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What 2 weeks retreating can do…

‘Laying on the bed is nice, but the clock is ticking! Will there be time for my session?’ The thoughts are jumping in my head as usual, but … something has changed. I observe it more from a distance. I notice the thoughts very well, compared with some restlessness in the body. ‘Shall we make it back in time?’ my head continues. I notice a story comes up: ‘Well, for sure I will skip ‘eating doubles’ because I really want to be present at the sacred conversations!’ the voice in my head already answered steadily.

People are asking me to go out of the ashram, to see this or that, but NO! I want to stay Here! I am only here for 2 weeks! I want to breathe every piece of air in as long as I am here. I want to soak myself in the space and not waste any energies to go out.

The last time I was here, that was 5 years ago, I stayed 35 days at the ashram before going to a beach. I just had no longing for it and when it did occur… oh my, that was so lovely!

Now, all is a bit different. I had a total different journey than I had 5 years ago when I was here. Still pretty much magnificent. Like today in the meditation. I have never had such an experience before. Maybe that’s why I lay a bit different on the bed.

I observe my thoughts. I feel my desire. I came here for the 2nd acupuncture session, but the real desire underneath is to rather skip the treatment and be back in time for the sacred conversations with the group and… maybe with Guruji himself.

Then remembering the words he spoke this morning in the inspirational talk:

“She is taking care of you. Why worry? Why not let Her carry you through the journey?”

Exactly. So, in stead of going into a discussion with my thoughts, solving my mental issues with the mind, what is not even possible for the long term, I used my reasoning power, the intellect. The ego figured out there was actually nothing to worry, all is good as it was. The ‘I’ realized as well, that SHE has put these thoughts in the head to make the ‘I’ truly see what was going on: an old program. There was another (new) option instead of being caught in this program…

Just to step aside it and not give it any attention but go beyond this thinking pattern and go to the heart. And, there She was. The same thing happened as in the meditation this morning. I have never felt Her so close to me. So loving. The rush of the Divine Kundalini Energy was ascending upwards and cleansing the heart and vibrating in every cell of the body. She was with me so crystal clear! Really, She was there…

It is not my first time I felt Her so vividly. She has knocked on the door of my heart several times the past 5 years. Especially being clear about my relationship. I was just not ready to open or in my ignorance I did not want to open the door or thought I did not need to open it. When I realized this, the tears were flooding out of my system. I stretched myself forward on the floor of the ashram, I cried and let go…

It is really not using the thinking mind to skip the thoughts. It is seeing She does it All. Even the thoughts in my mind. To truly see this, to let go and be open to Her. To Trust Her.

It was not only the thoughts that came up but a true insight: There is only Divine Timing, so why worry? Really? Really! That moment the body relaxed more. She is there all the time. It’s my ignorance to leave Her during the day… and today it is a bit different. I still feel Her.

In the beginning of this sacred 40 Day Period, on Day 4, I asked Guruji the following question: “How can I let my ego surrender more into the Divine?” “Simple”, he said, “when you love Her more than your ego. Who do you love more?”, he asked me, “the Divine or you ego?”

It took a while to figure this out and really feel it. Begin this week, the final week, was first the realisation that there actually is no separation. It seems there are 3 subjects in the answer: you, Divine, ego. But… as ego is the instrument, it’s just only Her love you experience. It is the ego having the experience of Love, Compassion, Joy, what there might be…

The last 2 weeks were a deep journey of humility, making the ego more humble, to allow Her in me, to get out of the way, to see more subtle patterns and above all to surrender the ego into Her… and this journey, of course, continues, when the opportunities to grow more into this and sustain it, will appear when I am back home 😊

To really feel She is taking care (of me) in every step of the way. Wow. That was happening in the meditation this morning. I pray that this will stay with this self of Manisha Devi.

Today, Day 38, I can tell: I love Her more than my ego. Definitely.


26 mei geef ik een Stiltedag in de mooie Meditatietuin in het Amstelpark in Amsterdam! Van 13.00-18.00 uur kun je je onderdompelen in mindfulness meditaties die we liggend, zittend, staand en lopend zullen beoefenen. Verder... mindfulness yoga en een eetmeditatie zijn onderdeel van de middag. Gun jezelf te onthaasten en gewoon te zijn. Je hoeft geen ervaring te hebben met mindfulness of meditatie.

Carpe Nunc staat voor groei in bewustzijn door middel van transformatie coaching, Self Care workshops, Stiltedagen en Bodytalk sessies. Abonneer je op mijn nieuwsbrief en blijf op de hoogte van yogalessen, (online) coaching en trainingen in Amsterdam of buitenland.

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