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Two weeks at Blue Star ashram

I came to the ashram with dark clouds in the head, a heartache, resistance and a not so humble ego… I knew that somewhere in me there was alignment with Here, She had brought me here! But I was not so attuned to it. It was rather like a feather left to the wind. The ego had grown big over the last years. Connection with Kundalini for sure, especially in those last weeks before going to the ashram…but my mind was restless and the heart like a heavy stone. Oh, and the body was tired, so tired…

I was so longing for the Space, but when I got there I couldn’t feel into it. The body wanted to sleep at first, but I didn’t want to miss any chant or meditation... So I dragged the body to every opportunity. Sitting in the evening chant, I fell asleep several times! I couldn’t even sit in meditation pose. On the chair resting my head in my hands, while I actually wanted to lay down… I didn’t and couldn’t surrender to it.

When the body was a little bit more adjusted to the warmth, the pace and the schedule, the thinking mind kept me busy. It kicked in with some heavy old patterns…

In every meditation Kundalini rushed and swirled through me cleansing the whole body and purifying the mind. Lots of kriyas were happening in the sacred space. During this process the “I” realized something. It was standing itself in the way, totally. Wanting to dissolve thinking patterns with more thinking. Wanting to create more love and compassion. Wanting, wanting…

Becoming more and more centered in the witness, strengthening manas, using the tools budhi has, practising ‘just be’ as much as I could, the “I” began to see more and more through Divine eyes.

On Day 4 of the 40 Day Period I asked my dearest Guruji: “How can I let my ego surrender more into the Divine?” It was during the Sacred Conversations. I was still in Amsterdam. Suddenly this question popped up and as always I checked first if I could not the answer from deep down in me. This time was different and I raised my hand on the Zoom option.

“Who do you love more? Your ego or the Divine?”

‘Simple’, Sri Vasudeva replied, ‘When you love the Divine more than your ego. Who do you love more?’, he asked me back. ‘Your ego? Or the Divine?’

It was not something I could answer straight away. I thanked him and muted my side of the laptop. I was in Amsterdam. He was in Trinidad. I could feel his energy so close to me. It was like I was there. Not yet. In 4 weeks I would actually be there.

It was just a week ago my boyfriend had told me he wanted to end the relationship. That came as a shock. But, I stood totally behind it. I couldn’t end it. He did it. As it felt Kundalini supported him to take this step. A step that would both liberate us from the veil that was covering on our relationship. I worked so hard to clean that veil, but it was not the solution; letting go was.

Being at the ashram the question I asked Guruji came back to me. I chewed on the issue. ‘Who is loving who?’, I thought. Then suddenly a new insight came: It seems there are 3 subjects in the answer: you, Divine, ego. But… ego is just an instrument, it’s only Her love the “I” experiences. It is the ego having the experience of Love, Compassion, Joy, what there might be… it was a first step.

In the final week I could finally answer Guruji’s question not only with the reasoning mind but also with the heart. In the meditation of Day 38 I felt her so much. She rushed through me, all the chakra’s, to all the bones, muscles and deep into my cells. As the outer space already was, suddenly became the inner space pregnant of Unconditional Love.

The moment the ‘I’ was in humility and surrendered, She could really fly freely in me. It is She who flushed the Love through me. That made me feel, understand, see, and realize that the ‘I’ loves Her the most of all and everything. Definitely.

In the last 2 weeks, the “I” became more humble, learned about humility, got out of the way, had to learn to let go and to really truly surrender into Her. It saw its weaknesses and how to overcome them. It saw some patterns and how to transform them. And, the ego finally realized it is just an instrument, and She is only the doer. Only She exists.

I truly realize and feel She is guiding my Path. There is nothing or no one to love more than Her.

26 mei geef ik een Stiltedag in de mooie Meditatietuin in het Amstelpark in Amsterdam! Van 13.00-18.00 uur kun je je onderdompelen in mindfulness meditaties die we liggend, zittend, staand en lopend zullen beoefenen. Verder... mindfulness yoga en een eetmeditatie zijn onderdeel van de middag. Gun jezelf te onthaasten en gewoon te zijn. Je hoeft geen ervaring te hebben met mindfulness of meditatie.



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